Beginnings of my illness…

  • I spent my childhood in 11 different houses and 8 different living situations before I was 18. There’s no clear explanation for why this was the case, I was not adopted or in foster care. My life included chaos, severe mental illness, addiction, abuse, secrecy and lies…. with small breaks where I became hopeful for something better. I felt like I was being twisted and tortured on the inside but couldn’t tell anyone. I became used to pretending that this was okay, I was fine, I had no major issues and I was comfortable with having the responsibility of taking care of myself as a child and making big decisions for myself that would determine the course of the rest of my life. I felt like I was very good at pretending. Before the age of 18 I often felt overwhelmed with shame for having made bad decisions and felt determined to get things “back on track”. When I turned 18 it was definitely time to act like an adult now!!!! I was familiar with “acting”, in fact, it’s all I knew how to do. I had no idea who I really was. When I went to college I tried to watch the other girls there and behave like them but there’s something incredibly stressful about never taking your mask off. I also saw…. things. I had visions in the middle of the day sometimes. I saw timelessness, it would just wash over me. I felt like I saw other worlds. I didn’t tell anyone, it was another one of my secrets. I had no idea what I wanted in life, I just wanted to “move on” and be respected by others. I wanted to also find a way to help others and make the world a better place. That was my vague passion.
  • These were signs of illnesses I had coming up but I felt determined to leave my childhood behind. I felt like I could easily do that. I didn’t think about how my childhood was everything that I had known and I couldn’t summarize it. The normal I was looking for came from imitating others, even in “alternative” groups. Other behaviors and symptoms I had, I hid…. evidence that I wasn’t moving on.