I feel so violated. My heart is racing. I feel all the sensations in my body coming up suddenly. I can’t breathe. It’s him!!!! How could this happen? He’s never going to leave me alone is he?! There he is with his smiling picture, sitting with his new baby children, the twins. The twins that he would always teach that I was their evil step-sister (even though I was technically their half-sister and I called him “dad”). I was just scrolling through my social media and I saw this picture. I feel horror and shock. Of course I do, it’s just a picture and I’m having this reaction. He always told me, his children and my mom that I was crazy. My out-of-control reactions to him were constant evidence.
I escaped from him as a teenager and could never live at home again. I never wanted to see his disgusting face or d**k again. I never wanted to be accused of feeling super attracted to him. Anyone that knew this man knew he was insane and cruel if they had sense. No one would be connected with both me and him on social media, how? How? How? No, Jaya, don’t, this reaction is inappropriate! I can’t breathe just from seeing his picture. But! It’s the yoga studio! The yoga studio that I went to to get trained to be a yoga teacher. Then my half-sister moved here after her twin, my half-brother, died from an overdose. She became one of the most regular teachers there. Now, it seems like she needs help, now that he died and the studio is reaching out for help for her. Why do they need the picture though?! They are posting this pic of this monster. My place of peace, love and harmony…yoga. I haven’t gone there in years but I still have them in my social media.
I feel overwhelmed with the battle between my feelings and my mind. My mind says “this is fine, this is kindness for my sister, this has a very logical explanation, you should accept this and keep scrolling, it’s just a picture, the yoga studio people didn’t know”. My feelings are screaming!!! My body is going into freeze mode, ready to be emotionally attacked, ready to just take it for hours. I’m shaking. I’m sure I’ll be in this state for hours! I’ll be begging Chris for emotional help. It happens every time I’m reminded of my stepfather! “My family will always just keep doing this!!!! They will always say I’m crazy and nothing happened!!!!! No one ever knew about my abuse except them and they didn’t care! They even casually bring this man to me in different places I moved in the country, knowing that I never want to see him again! And now all of these people on the Internet, from the f***ING YOGA STUDIO are going to be looking at this and DONATING to his burial!!!???! Of course, because my experience doesn’t matter, I need to be silent, I have no value.”
It’s okay, calm down Jaya. Return to the present. Oh! F*** that! That’s what they would tell me to do at the yoga studio!!! That’s the people putting up his picture. I mean, I mean, I mean…..
I’m trying to show here a circumstance that came up recently that demonstrates the difference between thinking and feeling. Trauma works its way into the body. I can think “this is over” or “just stop thinking about it” as people will tell me to do sometimes, even therapists, but I can’t stop the automatic, split second reaction from my emotions and body. If I constantly try to ignore these feelings as I have for most of my life and keep quiet as the abusers wanted me to then I become sicker. Depressed, anxious, panic attacks and even the seizures are connected to this. The only way out is to speak about it openly. Not everyone wants to hear it, I get that. I certainly don’t want to force my experience on anyone. So it’s just here for anyone who does. The present moment does include what I’m FEELING. And my feelings are valid.
Let it go?
I feel so violated. My heart is racing. I feel all the sensations in my body coming up suddenly. I can’t breathe. It’s him!!!! How could this happen? He’s never going to leave me alone is he?! There he is with his smiling picture, sitting with his new baby children, the twins. The twins that he would always teach that I was their evil step-sister (even though I was technically their half-sister and I called him “dad”). I was just scrolling through my social media and I saw this picture. I feel horror and shock. Of course I do, it’s just a picture and I’m having this reaction. He always told me, his children and my mom that I was crazy. My out-of-control reactions to him were constant evidence.
I escaped from him as a teenager and could never live at home again. I never wanted to see his disgusting face or d**k again. I never wanted to be accused of feeling super attracted to him. Anyone that knew this man knew he was insane and cruel if they had sense. No one would be connected with both me and him on social media, how? How? How? No, Jaya, don’t, this reaction is inappropriate! I can’t breathe just from seeing his picture. But! It’s the yoga studio! The yoga studio that I went to to get trained to be a yoga teacher. Then my half-sister moved here after her twin, my half-brother, died from an overdose. She became one of the most regular teachers there. Now, it seems like she needs help, now that he died and the studio is reaching out for help for her. Why do they need the picture though?! They are posting this pic of this monster. My place of peace, love and harmony…yoga. I haven’t gone there in years but I still have them in my social media.
I feel overwhelmed with the battle between my feelings and my mind. My mind says “this is fine, this is kindness for my sister, this has a very logical explanation, you should accept this and keep scrolling, it’s just a picture, the yoga studio people didn’t know”. My feelings are screaming!!! My body is going into freeze mode, ready to be emotionally attacked, ready to just take it for hours. I’m shaking. I’m sure I’ll be in this state for hours! I’ll be begging Chris for emotional help. It happens every time I’m reminded of my stepfather! “My family will always just keep doing this!!!! They will always say I’m crazy and nothing happened!!!!! No one ever knew about my abuse except them and they didn’t care! They even casually bring this man to me in different places I moved in the country, knowing that I never want to see him again! And now all of these people on the Internet, from the f***ING YOGA STUDIO are going to be looking at this and DONATING to his burial!!!???! Of course, because my experience doesn’t matter, I need to be silent, I have no value.”
It’s okay, calm down Jaya. Return to the present. Oh! F*** that! That’s what they would tell me to do at the yoga studio!!! That’s the people putting up his picture. I mean, I mean, I mean…..
I’m trying to show here a circumstance that came up recently that demonstrates the difference between thinking and feeling. Trauma works its way into the body. I can think “this is over” or “just stop thinking about it” as people will tell me to do sometimes, even therapists, but I can’t stop the automatic, split second reaction from my emotions and body. If I constantly try to ignore these feelings as I have for most of my life and keep quiet as the abusers wanted me to then I become sicker. Depressed, anxious, panic attacks and even the seizures are connected to this. The only way out is to speak about it openly. Not everyone wants to hear it, I get that. I certainly don’t want to force my experience on anyone. So it’s just here for anyone who does. The present moment does include what I’m FEELING. And my feelings are valid.
2 months ago Uncategorized